kick it up and reverse it

What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song..
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life.

Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Oooooh, that's right
How can you know it if you don't even try?
Oooooh, that's right

Yesterday

I became vegan.

I love your depression and I love your double chin

If I had to define why I decided to go to school for architecture I wouldn't be able to. Why did anyone at the age of 17 or 18 decide what they wanted to spend 4-6 years of their lives concentrating on?

When I was in 7th grade my gifted and talented class had a section devoted to architecture. Why us and not the rest of the school? Why architecture? What were they learning while I learned about flying buttresses? Writing skills obviously.

So, 7th grade and architecture, what do I remember? Maybe that is what made me want to go to school for architecture. I remember flying buttresses and Frank Lloyd Wright. I remember building a really horrible straw tower. I remember that the 8th grader I was dating was a son of an architect. I think I decided in 7th grade that I was going to be an architect but I often told people I was going to be an archeologist.

In highschool I took some joke architecture class where we copied floor plans and made cookie cutter houses out of balsa wood. Once again the teacher only knew of Frank Lloyd Wright and we had to watch a video on him. Amazingly I still wanted to be an architect. I still don't think I knew what exactly an architect was.

So end of highschool I thought architecture was the following:

Flying Buttresses
Frank Lloyd Wright
Drafting
Floorplans
Foam Core Models
Balsa Wood Models
Wall Sections
Footings

Why after a list like that did I was I interested in architecture? Was I drawn to the act of creating something? Why the creation of architecture?

College has led me to a constant cycle of questioning and answering. I have been overwhelmed the last 4 years of my life. These semester has been the hardest yet with the most demanding classes and the past two days I haven't done anything. This is the most important time of the semester for me to be producing SOMETHING and so far I have eaten, watched a movie, and drank a mocha.

Have I figured out why I want to be an architect yet?

I know it's not because of Frank Lloyd Wright and Flying Buttresses.

Someone I know is obsessed with google. In fact he will be alerted of this update because of his love of google(reader).

I love him anyway.


Only crazies post pictures where it is evident in their eyes (and fake smile) that they really ARE crazy.

Plan

This semester I am going to scare myself.
I am never going to feel comfortable with my work.
I probably won't ever really feel like I have it under control.

will or want?

Is this what I want?

I don't know... but I might as well try and find out.

In the next 3 months I need to find myself again.

more

beCOMING more of mySELF and not what was WANTed of me

Gray

It's such a gray day.
Looks gray.
Feels gray.
It's gray.

Red Light Green Light

When I am scared I must act.
There is a reason fear is present...
I could either gain or lose.
What I gain is worth it,
If I lose, at least there was that chance.

I could have gained.

Enemy

I hold myself back.
I hold back.
I hold.
I.
I will.
I will myself.
I will myself back.




...change your view.

L Word

Love all or else it is impossible to love at all.
Love myself to let myself be loved.
But most importantly love myself.

Pause

When I was younger I thought that males could pause time.
I imagined them taking advantage of females and we didn't even know.
I was pretty young, so I don't imagine is was sexually taking advantage, but I have a feeling that it might have been. I know I imagined that they could see us showering.
Nothing that I can remember happened to me to make me think this...

Isn't everyone bipolar? If the left and right brain are so different, it seems that everyone would have the tendency to be bipolar. I feel like both my left and right brain are so strong that often I can't decide which reaction to use. If I see something I can logically understand what is happening, but at the same time my emotions are so strong that they conflict with that logic. These two conflicting chunks of matter tend to lead me towards inaction because I just can't choose which one to go with.

Child's Mind

After speaking of the mind as a controversial subject it reminded me of the first time I learned about the term controversial. I was amazed by the term because it was the first time that I understood that there were topics where the two sides would probably never agree. I don't remember how old I was, but that lesson was the first. After learning the term I used it often because it seemed to hold so much strength in it's meaning.

Focal Point

(to self)
Focus...
on what actually matters.
Focus...
on who actually matters.
Don't lose what you know, Don't lose what you want.
Don't lose your focus...
You know what is important so let it be.

Machine

It is often said that the brain is a powerful machine. Looking into the reflection of the train car full of people I remembered that line. That image I see on the glass... the glass itself, all could really be just things my brain is creating. Everything I experience once again is my projection of the world. TV screens with disasters far away, once again could all be a figment of this "machinery." The image of the man sitting across from me, the stench of the rails, the hardness of the seat underneath me, the pain in my heart... all controlled by the machine riding around in my skull. Truth or not, it can never be proved because there will always be a response to support the other side. Purely controversial they say. No side will ever win. Well tell me this, if my brain could create all of this, all of what I know, why would it create pain? Would it be for entertainment? For variety? I can't choose a side even for myself; it's even controversial in my brain. The controversy of the controversy in my subject (which happens to be controversial).

Specifics

There are...
certain people I can relate to better.
certain things that make me alive.
certain feelings I keep inside.

If I am not honest with how I feel I will start to lose the ability to know myself. Being open creates acceptance within myself.

Mind Workings

I woke up early this morning to do studio work before I had to be in the printroom. I haven't done any... same as last night. The thing is that I can't get it out of my mind, I am constantly thinking about what I want to do with my design. I can't get it out of my mind but I never draw it or make it something concrete.

This is where I want to be right now:

Judgement

Currently I judge others. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something and right away I will repeat in my head not to judge them (over and over and over) to try and push those judgments out of my head, but at that point it is to late. I have already gotten to that point of making a judgment. To really lose judgment, I can't even be aware that I have lost it because once the act is conscious it is like I have thought about passing judgment. It seems like a tangled mess. I can't force myself to look at the world without judging it, just like I can't force myself to stop judging me. Where do I start? I know it is something I want to accomplish. I can tell myself not to judge others or myself but that's not where the action should be... It is somewhere else. Obviously it is in the acceptance phase, excepting others and myself as they (or I) are/am. Total acceptance of oneself seems to be very rare, in fact I don't know if I have ever actually come across it. Acceptance phase here I come.