Isn't everyone bipolar? If the left and right brain are so different, it seems that everyone would have the tendency to be bipolar. I feel like both my left and right brain are so strong that often I can't decide which reaction to use. If I see something I can logically understand what is happening, but at the same time my emotions are so strong that they conflict with that logic. These two conflicting chunks of matter tend to lead me towards inaction because I just can't choose which one to go with.
After speaking of the mind as a controversial subject it reminded me of the first time I learned about the term controversial. I was amazed by the term because it was the first time that I understood that there were topics where the two sides would probably never agree. I don't remember how old I was, but that lesson was the first. After learning the term I used it often because it seemed to hold so much strength in it's meaning.
It is often said that the brain is a powerful machine. Looking into the reflection of the train car full of people I remembered that line. That image I see on the glass... the glass itself, all could really be just things my brain is creating. Everything I experience once again is my projection of the world. TV screens with disasters far away, once again could all be a figment of this "machinery." The image of the man sitting across from me, the stench of the rails, the hardness of the seat underneath me, the pain in my heart... all controlled by the machine riding around in my skull. Truth or not, it can never be proved because there will always be a response to support the other side. Purely controversial they say. No side will ever win. Well tell me this, if my brain could create all of this, all of what I know, why would it create pain? Would it be for entertainment? For variety? I can't choose a side even for myself; it's even controversial in my brain. The controversy of the controversy in my subject (which happens to be controversial).
I woke up early this morning to do studio work before I had to be in the printroom. I haven't done any... same as last night. The thing is that I can't get it out of my mind, I am constantly thinking about what I want to do with my design. I can't get it out of my mind but I never draw it or make it something concrete.
Currently I judge others. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something and right away I will repeat in my head not to judge them (over and over and over) to try and push those judgments out of my head, but at that point it is to late. I have already gotten to that point of making a judgment. To really lose judgment, I can't even be aware that I have lost it because once the act is conscious it is like I have thought about passing judgment. It seems like a tangled mess. I can't force myself to look at the world without judging it, just like I can't force myself to stop judging me. Where do I start? I know it is something I want to accomplish. I can tell myself not to judge others or myself but that's not where the action should be... It is somewhere else. Obviously it is in the acceptance phase, excepting others and myself as they (or I) are/am. Total acceptance of oneself seems to be very rare, in fact I don't know if I have ever actually come across it. Acceptance phase here I come.
I care about certain things. A lot of the things that I care about others do not so I don't push them. When I believe in something enough that it becomes an essential part of who I am I feel if it is something that they reject it is a rejection towards me. If I care about something enough and it is a part of me, then I should care for it as much as I would myself. The problem is that I am not caring towards it or me enough. Nurture one and the other will grow along with it. I believe in supporting a sustainable world, but I am not engaging myself in it to the point where failure or rejection can hurt me too much. Lose the fear and the idea that there even could be rejection and all the things holding me back with what I believe disappear. I should not be ashamed, the idea of being ashamed is ridiculous. If every project I do has to throw my beliefs in my peers faces it will. They can call me a hippie or a tree-hugger more than they already do... I do not feel that I have to prove them wrong, I feel that I have to make an impression in their minds. I am not here to prove anyone right or wrong, I just want to learn more about what I am passionate about. If my passion in 2005 comes back into someone's mind in 2020 because the time has pushed these beliefs more mainstream, I just hope they join me.
I am not sure if I ever hugged a tree, but would it be silly if I did?
I often wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I remember things? I was thinking about what the patterns are in what I remember and what I don't. The biggest chunk of things that I don't remember are actually the things that I say. It was just racing through my mind a minute ago, I was questioning why this could be. How can the things that I am saying be lost from me? IM THE ONE SAYING THEM! The answer hit me so fast that I had to come and record my thoughts right away. I am not listening to the things I am saying just as if someone was telling me something that I didn't care about. How can I expect people to care about what I am saying if I don't care enough to remember it myself! The more I respect what I am saying, the more I will remember it. Is it that I actually don't care what I am saying or is it because I actually don't care to listen to myself? The first would mean that I am wasting my words. If I don't care about my thoughts and feelings then why express them? Am I just speaking to hear myself speak? The second, not caring to listen is more about laziness. It is easier for even my own words to just come out and not register within me that they have actually been said. I think my problem is the second of the two. I do care about what I am saying, and I know that I don't just talk to hear myself talk. I am being lazy with treating myself with the respect that I would expect from others. It frustrates me when I repeat myself over and over again and I know it frustrates other people even more. I am so visually observative but I slack off in communication. It's funny, because when I think of lack of observation I think of my mom and how she would tend to slack off visually observing most of what was around her as well as with listening. I know how frustrating this was when I was younger and I am doing the same thing. I cannot let this keep going, I cannot be lazy with communicating with myself and the people around me because it is the essential interaction between two people... if this communication is lost where does that leave me as a person? I want to enrich my relationships by being able to communicate and I want to enrich myself by listening to my words and conversations.
To understand and appreciate myself I have to be honest with myself and with others.
I don't tell other people how I really feel even when I know that letting them know will strengthen the relationship that we have. I am usually scared. I don't want to feel like that anymore and I am not going to let myself feel like that anymore.