Wednesday, September 21, 2005

This isn't a memory

I often wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I remember things? I was thinking about what the patterns are in what I remember and what I don't. The biggest chunk of things that I don't remember are actually the things that I say. It was just racing through my mind a minute ago, I was questioning why this could be. How can the things that I am saying be lost from me? IM THE ONE SAYING THEM! The answer hit me so fast that I had to come and record my thoughts right away. I am not listening to the things I am saying just as if someone was telling me something that I didn't care about. How can I expect people to care about what I am saying if I don't care enough to remember it myself! The more I respect what I am saying, the more I will remember it. Is it that I actually don't care what I am saying or is it because I actually don't care to listen to myself? The first would mean that I am wasting my words. If I don't care about my thoughts and feelings then why express them? Am I just speaking to hear myself speak? The second, not caring to listen is more about laziness. It is easier for even my own words to just come out and not register within me that they have actually been said. I think my problem is the second of the two. I do care about what I am saying, and I know that I don't just talk to hear myself talk. I am being lazy with treating myself with the respect that I would expect from others. It frustrates me when I repeat myself over and over again and I know it frustrates other people even more. I am so visually observative but I slack off in communication. It's funny, because when I think of lack of observation I think of my mom and how she would tend to slack off visually observing most of what was around her as well as with listening. I know how frustrating this was when I was younger and I am doing the same thing. I cannot let this keep going, I cannot be lazy with communicating with myself and the people around me because it is the essential interaction between two people... if this communication is lost where does that leave me as a person? I want to enrich my relationships by being able to communicate and I want to enrich myself by listening to my words and conversations.

No comments: